it never takes too long*

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
~ New Moon, Stephanie Meyer

I cried again last night, over you. It was unexpected but while reading Stephanie Meyer’s narrative on heartbreak, the walls I’ve tried so hard to keep up broke down and gave way to tears. It was as if a part of my heart (and my brain) was shouting, I remember! No matter how whole I’ve felt in the past couple of months, I’m broken. I’m actually broken.

Don’t worry, you haven’t cause me new pain but I would be lying if I said that I’ve completely forgotten the pain you once caused me. I’m glad you’ve stayed away. I’m also proud of myself that I was able to keep myself away despite the fact that I’ve missed you.

I’ve kept myself preoccupied so much recently that somehow the pain I felt took a back seat. But while reading this book, I suddenly remembered how painful it all was. Maybe I cried because the pain is still a bit too fresh. I’d rather that be the reason then the fact that I might still care for you more than I’m allowed to.

I think I’ve been doing a good job in moving on. I guess, it really just takes time. I’m beginning to wonder… Is it always going to be like this? Everytime a relationship ends, is it going to hurt this much? And is the hurt going to last this long? And is it really worth all the effort?

It’s hard to keep believing in love when happy endings only seem to exist in books and movies. Yes, I know a number of couples who are very much happily-in-love. But I guess it’s hard to believe when you, yourself, have never experienced that kind of bliss yet.

Sometimes I wish I’m not such a hopeless romantic and that love is something I don’t long for so badly. *sigh* Someday tish, someday. *sigh*

*line from Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Protected: dear you, 2008.02.22

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weekend update, 2007.12.24

it feels good to be home.

i’m in davao!!! weeee!!! i’ll bring your suha, mangosteen and durian requests when i get back.

camera therapy

despite the promise to myself that i wouldn’t buy any new cameras, i ended up buying a fisheye2 and ringflash. naka-promo package kasi eh. ;)) yeah, what an excuse noh?! i’m making another promise. no more camera buying unless it’s an LCA. promise, i’ll really save for this na! anyway, i’m really happy that the ringflash has an adaptor for the diana. now, i can use diana even at night. so excited!

here’s the stash of cameras i brought home:

MeRrY cHrIsTmAs!

christmas has always been a lonely experience for me. yeah yeah, i know i have family and friends but having been single since birth, i’m still yet to experience a christmas with that special someone. this christmas is turning out to be one of the hardest so far as i’m smack in the middle of mending a broken heart.

yes, pathetic as it may sound, i still find myself crying at random moments in the day. it’s okay though, no one dies from a broken heart and whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. no matter how many you’ll-be-okay’s, he-doesn’t-deserve-you’s, and what not i receive, it still doesn’t take the pain out of rejection.

i wrote him a letter telling him how i felt. i gave it to him when he brought me home, thursday night. i was so tired that i fell asleep as soon as i got in my room. he tried to call me minutes later which meant that he had already read my letter. but then, i was asleep so i didn’t get to answer the phone. so far, he hasn’t tried to talk to me about it yet. so i guess, that’s that.

what a way to celebrate christmas, right?! good thing, the new year is around the corner. 😀

Protected: dear you, 2007.10.08

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how do you find the words to say goodbye?*

a ym conversation with jaybee yesterday made me recall my first love, the guy i was in love with for most of my teenage years. honestly, a part of me really thought that he was the guy for me, the one i could spend forever, or at least the rest of my life, with. but i guess i was way wrong wasn’t i? there was a time i thought we would end up together but nothing really happened. we were both too shy and too young to go for what we wanted and thus we just drifted apart.

but i was left hanging. my feelings for him never went away. my friends kept on asking me how it was possible considering we’re living in different countries now and we haven’t been in constant communication for a while. and all i could say to that was, i still feel for him. finally, last february, i wrote him a letter and sent it through email, telling him how i felt. it took a lot of courage for me to actually press send. after two weeks of no reply, i gave up. but he replied a month later.