it never takes too long*

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
~ New Moon, Stephanie Meyer

I cried again last night, over you. It was unexpected but while reading Stephanie Meyer’s narrative on heartbreak, the walls I’ve tried so hard to keep up broke down and gave way to tears. It was as if a part of my heart (and my brain) was shouting, I remember! No matter how whole I’ve felt in the past couple of months, I’m broken. I’m actually broken.

Don’t worry, you haven’t cause me new pain but I would be lying if I said that I’ve completely forgotten the pain you once caused me. I’m glad you’ve stayed away. I’m also proud of myself that I was able to keep myself away despite the fact that I’ve missed you.

I’ve kept myself preoccupied so much recently that somehow the pain I felt took a back seat. But while reading this book, I suddenly remembered how painful it all was. Maybe I cried because the pain is still a bit too fresh. I’d rather that be the reason then the fact that I might still care for you more than I’m allowed to.

I think I’ve been doing a good job in moving on. I guess, it really just takes time. I’m beginning to wonder… Is it always going to be like this? Everytime a relationship ends, is it going to hurt this much? And is the hurt going to last this long? And is it really worth all the effort?

It’s hard to keep believing in love when happy endings only seem to exist in books and movies. Yes, I know a number of couples who are very much happily-in-love. But I guess it’s hard to believe when you, yourself, have never experienced that kind of bliss yet.

Sometimes I wish I’m not such a hopeless romantic and that love is something I don’t long for so badly. *sigh* Someday tish, someday. *sigh*

*line from Gravity by Sara Bareilles

weekend update, 2008.04.22

so i’m not faithful with my updates anymore. i start typing them but do not have the time to finish or followup on them sometimes. :S

last sunday was day 1 of the summer league. my team, TODA, is seeded in pool A for the first set of round robin games. all i can say is… waaaaaah!!!!!! so much pressure! i’m one of the main handlers of the team so it’s a bit scary playing in pool A. since i changed my forehand grip, my forehand throws haven’t been the most accurate. then there are the nerves that come with a pressured game. :S i’m beginning to regret voting that we play for pool A. shet!

here are some of the highlights of last sunday for me:

1. being sponsored by chowking! o, diba?! hehehe.

2. jumping for a disc that was thrown high totally aware that derek was behind me. what a scary experience. shempre, hindi ko nasalo yung disc. i was too scared of getting hit by derek. note to self: must learn to be more aggressive with the disc.

3. my really bad throws. grrr… kakainis! i couldn’t shake off my nerves last sunday. may assist pa nga ako sa isang callahan sa sexual chocolate na game eh! kakahiya!!! feeling ko conscious ako mashado na handler na ako and that i’m playing in pool A and that people are judging me. i’m not good when i feel like i’m being judged with every move i make. next time, i should really just leave the mind game behind and just play the game!

4. being given the opportunity for a good D against marc but not taking it. why? because i was too busy laughing in my head. :)) umaga palang sinabihan na ako nina papi na dapat daw tumatalon ako sa sideline to distract the guys, which i laughed off. kamusta naman noh? siguro ako pa maddistract sa kanila at hindi sila maddistract sa akin. :))

5. something rox and i saw on our way to the girl’s bathroom to change. grabeh! yun lang masasabi ko. basta yun na yun! pm me nalang to ask what. 😉 hehehe.

all in all, sunday was fun but very stressful. i hope my nerves would go away soon because i still have 6 (?) more weeks of the summer league ahead of me.

~

i’ve discovered ebay, amazon and online banking!!! holy crap, i’ve bought a lot of stuff already. :S i have films and other lomo stuff arriving next week c/o mimay then i have a yashica 135gn on it’s way from the US. checking ebay has been part of my daily ritual already and i’m scared i’m going to get addicted to shopping online. oh well… once a shopaholic, always a shopaholic! :))

~

this got me into trouble the last time but i don’t care, it must be said…

Protected: dear you, 2008.02.22

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dear you, 2008.01.09

you keep asking me if i’m okay and i keep shrugging my shoulders in reply. I’M NOT OKAY. 3 weeks ago, i wrote you a letter telling you how deeply i felt for you and i got nothing in reply. until now, i still don’t know if i want you to tell me how you feel or not. your actions show me you really don’t care. but is it so wrong for me to search for some semblance of feeling from you? i promised myself i will not do this to myself again this new year and yet here i am again… still hoping that you’d turn around and see me for my worth. i don’t get you, you and your be happy‘s, are you okay?‘s and take care‘s. what the hell do you want from me? can’t you just let me go? or is it me that won’t let go? pucha. pagod na ako.

Protected: dear you, 2007.10.08

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