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by samuel beckett


why not merely the despaired of
occasion of

is it not better abort than be barren

the hours after you are gone are so leaden
they will always start dragging too soon
the grapples clawing blindly the bed of want
bringing up the bones the old loves
sockets filled once with eyes like yours
all always is it better too soon than never
the black want splashing their faces
saying again nine days never floated the loved
nor nine months
nor nine lives


saying again
if you do not teach me I shall not learn
saying again there is a last
even of last times
last times of begging
last times of loving
of knowing not knowing pretending
a last even of last times of saying
if you do not love me I shall not be loved
if I do not love you I shall not love

the churn of stale words in the heart again
love love love thud of the old plunger
pestling the unalterable
whey of words

terrified again
of not loving
of loving and not you
of being loved and not by you
of knowing not knowing pretending

I and all the others that will love you
if they love you


unless they love you


by oriah mountain dreamer 

it doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
i want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

it doesn’t interest me how old you are.
i want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

it doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
i want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

i want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

i want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

it doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
i want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
if you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

i want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
and if you can source your own life
from its presence.

i want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

it doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
i want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

it doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
i want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

it doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
i want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

i want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

okay. okay. so naging drama queen ako ulit for the past two days. i have no idea why. let’s just blame it on my period. ;p hehehe.

i’m just loving these two songs! they’re such feel good songs with the cutest lyrics and the cutest melody. (it’s so me to use cutest twice in the same sentence! hehehe)

love you i do
ost – dreamgirls

You’re strong and you’re smart
You’re taking my heart
And I’ll give you the rest of me too
You’re the perfect man for me
I love you I do

love story
katherine mcphee

this is just a typical love story
a boy you never wanted just steals your heart
i never saw it coming tell i fell so hard


anyway, i’m thinking of getting my hair cut. as in short. way shorter than the hair i’ve had for the past n years. (n>=5). it was funny how people reacted when i posted in my ym status message that i wanted to cut my hair. there was the… do not cut your hair! from both my mom and doie. then… pakalbo ka nalang! from ian (k3). then the… hindi ka ata bagay with short hair from the rest. well, i want the change. i need the change. nakakasawa rin yung hair ko kahit na it’s so nice that it’s naturally wavy and long and easy to manage. i want to look in the mirror and see someone new. =)

therefore, this time, i’m really going through with this haircut. i usually tell myself everytime i go into a salon that this time i’m getting a radical cut. but each time i sit in the chair the words that come out are… trim lang please. so my hair has remained the same in the last 5 years.

i have two styles i really really want. one is based on mandy moore’s short haircut.

mandy moore also has a round face so i’m wishing that i’ll look okay if i get this cut. it’s pretty scary since it’ll way shorter than what i’m used to. but it looks so nice and easy to manage that i really really like the cut. the thing that’s holding me back is that mandy moore is this tall slender girl. and i’m not. (o, realistic lang naman ako diba?) it might not look as good on my body type although it’ll look okay on my face shape. which brings me to my next choice… eva mendes!

okay, so i don’t look exactly like eva mendes. medyo, kinda malayo nga diba?! hehehe. but she’s curvy like me. her face looks more oval but her hair is the same type as mine. plus this cut is just medium length so it wouldn’t take so long to grow my hair out again just in case i really hate the cut. plus i’ll still be able to tie my hair when i play ultimate.

so there are my two choices. i can’t seem to decide which yet. help me out guys… please! =)

warning! drama mode. =p

The Show Must Go On

Empty spaces – what are we living for?
Abandoned places – I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero – another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I’ll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache – another failed romance.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i’m learning
I must be warmer now..
I’ll soon be turning round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I’m aching to be free!

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking!
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

The Show must go on! Yeah!
The Show must go on!
I’ll face it with a grin!
I’m never giving in!
On with the show!

I’ll top the bill!
I’ll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!

The Show must go on.

i’ve been listening to this song for the past few days again and again. it’s just stuck in my mind. the melody is haunting and so are the lyrics, add to that the absolutely amazing acting geniuses of nicole kidman and jim broadbent and you’ve got me hooked.

inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on!

i feel as though i’m the biggest liar there is. people think i’m this extremely bubbly, flirty, fun girl who just absolutely loves life. well, guess what?! i’m not. i may have fooled everyone and sometimes myself but now i realize that i’m still stuck in limbo. i’ve grown so accustomed to wearing this mask of bubbliness that sometimes i even fool myself.

so you ask may ask me: if you’re not this bright, bubbly girl you pretend to be, who am you then? i’m just a girl who got her heart broken quite a while ago (the understatement of the century!) and is still trying so hard to pick up the pieces. i’ve tried to move on. i’ve tried to let go. but my heart still feels broken.

i think kate winslet put it best in her line from the holiday: Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three (in my case 10!) miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas’, the worst Birthday’s, New Years Eve’s brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I’ve been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back.

and that’s exactly how i feel. my friends keep on telling me to move on to let go. there are lots of guys out there tisha! lots of fish in the sea! which brings me to a classic ally mcbeal quote: … whoever said that “plenty of fish in the sea” thing was lying. Sometimes, there is only one. Trust me.

thing is, all of us wear masks. we wear masks for different reasons. i wear mine to mask the fact that i’m lonely. and despite the fact that i have lots of friends, there are moments that the loneliness feels so tangible that it’s so hard to ignore. i think that’s why all of us are looking for love, because we need someone to take away that loneliness. someone to be a witness to our lives, a partner, a friend, a confidant, a lover. someone who would really know us, in and out. someone who would take one look at the smile in your face and know that something is wrong. but most importantly someone who would know how to make you feel that everything is right in the world.

okay, sobra nang drama ng entry na ito. i have to stop already before i start bawling my eyes out here in the office. it’s time to flash my smile again!

some quotes on the beauty of love. ;p

If pain must come, may it come quickly because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may me make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

– Paulo Coelho,  By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…

You give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like “Maybe we should just be friends” or “How very perceptive” turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I hate love.

– Neil Gaiman, Sandman: The Kindly Ones

There are times when you think you’re over him, only to find out the awful truth one day that you’re not. You realize that what you’ve done is only numb the pain. But then the drug loses its punch, and the truth stings once more. It’s like being trapped in a theater, strapped to a chair, watching reruns of the past you once shared together. The only difference is that there are no straps. You bought your own ticket and went in on your own.

– this one i got from a forum somewhere. i don’t remember where anymore. i just really liked it and copied it.

i’m currently obsessed with…

... victoria's secret lingerie (i really want to buy some and have them shipped here)
... tumblr-ing
... hula-hooping
... learning my old piano pieces again
... expensive stuff i can't afford
... still being kissed ala north & south

That’s the closest to my idea of love: watching the skyline, making out, making mistakes, making believe desire means it’s with somebody else, then breaking up, and, if we’re lucky, forgiveness that comes right before take-off. There, I’ve said it. What more can one want? A lover who loves me as much as the rain. Rain, and, from the opening credits to the closing heart, Gershwin.
~ The Muse This Time by R Zamora Linmark

i love;
...ultimate frisbee;
...the melancholic sound of the cello;
...playing the piano;
...Frederic Chopin, John Williams and Michael Legrand;
...the rain;
...walking in the rain;
...hanging out with my friends;
...being a girly-girl;
...wearing dresses; naturally wavy hair;
...the sound of waves crashing in the shore; and pasta;
...raisin bread;
...Cyrano de Bergarac;;
...Artic Vodka Melon;
...Jose Cuervo Tequila; lomo cameras;
...taking pictures;
...chick flicks that make you believe that finding your one true love is not so impossible; and
...heartwrenchingly beautiful songs that say otherwise

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