a ym conversation with jaybee yesterday made me recall my first love, the guy i was in love with for most of my teenage years. honestly, a part of me really thought that he was the guy for me, the one i could spend forever, or at least the rest of my life, with. but i guess i was way wrong wasn’t i? there was a time i thought we would end up together but nothing really happened. we were both too shy and too young to go for what we wanted and thus we just drifted apart.

but i was left hanging. my feelings for him never went away. my friends kept on asking me how it was possible considering we’re living in different countries now and we haven’t been in constant communication for a while. and all i could say to that was, i still feel for him. finally, last february, i wrote him a letter and sent it through email, telling him how i felt. it took a lot of courage for me to actually press send. after two weeks of no reply, i gave up. but he replied a month later.

This was something I was supposed to open up to you if ever we were to meet up this February.

I may still have feelings for you. I’m no longer sure anymore. But there was once a time that I knew for certain that what I felt for you was so strong and so tangible, at least for me. Now, I’m just confused. Sometimes I think I’m just holding on to what could’ve been. But sometimes I sincerely feel as though we are somehow meant for each other.

Now I realize that I’ve been trying desperately to hold on to you but you keep slipping from my grasp. My friends are right when they tell me that I’ve kept my heart closed to other guys. They know that I still harbor this dream that you and I will still somehow end up together. And even I know that it’s a silly, crazy, and unrealistic dream. I realize that the two of us have probably changed from who we were back then. I’ve suddenly become this sporty, ultimate-obsessed girl and you, I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Maybe I’ve been holding on because I really don’t understand what happened between us before. I’ve always known how I’ve felt about you. I’ve liked you since high school and I fell in-love with you somewhere along the way. We got close during first year college and you started saying “I love you” already. Or did I just imagine that?

I don’t know at what point I fell for you. If it was during that 1-Blue victory party where you brought me to your music room, played Les Miserables cd in the background and asked me to play the piano for you. Or if it was during Jizza’s birthday party where you stood in the middle for the dance floor beckoning me to dance with you. Or maybe it was during all those hour-long conversations we’ve had on the phone. I can no longer pinpoint when I fell. All I know is that I did fall and that I’m really finding it hard to get up again. We’ve gone our separate ways already. You even live in a different country already. And yet a part of me is still stuck in the past, the past that we once shared, the past that we could’ve shared, and the past that I’m desperately trying to let go of.

Please don’t feel obligated to reply to this message. I just feel the need to tell you how I feel or once felt. I love(d) you ton, so very much. And while I do realize that you may not love me anymore, I’ll always hold on to the memory of you telling me that you did, a long time ago. I wish you all the best in life ton! I wish you happiness, success, and love. We both deserve love even though it may not be between the two of us. And if ever we meet again, and I hope we do, I hope this won’t make things weird between us.

There, I’ve said it… And I’m finally letting go…

=)

this was his reply…

hey there,

im glad that you opened up like that. dont worry, i dont think that it is weird at all. we are all people with feelings and emotions that sometimes are out of our control. i also remember all of those events that happened when we were in highschool and in college and i too will cherish and always remember. in a way, i am glad that we became good friends. I hope that we will continue to be for as long as possible even though we have gone our separate ways.

You are a very special and unique person and any guy who you are with should be able to see that and treat you like one. dont forget that. and also dont keep yourself closed to others, you never know one day someone might just come and sweep you off your feet. = ). Moving on and letting go is never an easy thing to do, but time always has a way of changing things. = ).

Until that time comes, remember too that i will always be your good friend and you can always talk to me just like back then, nothing has changed. i miss you and our paths will definitely cross again!

see you when i get back home.

best regards

ton

for the record, i didn’t cry after reading this. i came to the realization that i loved him more than he loved me. and that hurt. but it’s something i’ve always known in the back of my mind, something that my heart had a hard time believing. now i know better. and i can honestly say that i’ve moved on. yes, he will always have this special part in my life but i’m too young to be holding on to the dream of the two of us.

there are some things i hoped i did differently, a few words i should have said. but it’s too late for that now. he’s probably moved on and i, although i really haven’t met anyone else yet, have also moved on.

life really does go on… 🙂

* from Goodbye by Alicia Keys