awhile, (adv.)

I love the vagueness of words that involve time.

It took him awhile to come back — it could be a matter of minutes or hours, days or years.

It is easy for me to say it took me awhile to know. That is about as accurate as I can get. There were sneak previews of knowing for sure. Instances that made me feel, oh, this could be right. But the moment I shifted from a hope that needed to be proven to a certainty that would be continually challenged? There’s no pinpointing that.

Perhaps it never happened. Perhaps it happened while I was asleep. Most likely, there’s no signal event. There’s just the steady accumulation of awhile.

~ The Lover’s Dictionary, David Levithan

it never ceases to amaze me how unpredictable life can turn out to be. one minute, i’m feeling despondent about J’s lack of communication to the next minute being held in his arms and having him tell me everything’s going to turn out okay to yet another minute of having him gone again.

but i am going ahead of myself. let me try to tell this story properly.

around a month ago, i get an email from J saying that he’s decided to accept an offer to help out in a ministry in Siargao. but as fate would have it, he would be arriving when i was still in California for a vacation with my family. fate was kind though, because we would have a week together in Manila before he left for his ministry.

now, i have been keeping something hidden from you. something that i don’t think i’ll be able to write about here. something that eats me up from inside when i think about it. something quite unforgivable. something that directly affects any romantic relationship i may ever have. and something that directly affects my possible relationship with J.

when i came back from my trip, we made plans to meet and catch up. that first night i met up with him, it felt like butterflies were having a party in my stomach. i was anxious about how seeing him again would be and i was scared that i’d end up breaking down in public. all my anxiety passed when i saw him again and we fell into that easy conversation we’ve had ever since we first met. when we said goodbye, i knew my feelings weren’t completely gone.

we met up again for lunch the next day and he finally got to ask about a vague email i sent about the aforementioned something. i started telling my story but choked up almost immediately, tears welling up in my eyes so i stopped. and he didn’t push. he left for Bali to surf for a week and said that we might see each other again at the league-end disc party.

cut to the party. i made sure i looked good, just because. he arrived late and i’m ashamed to say thing but i practically attached myself to his hip when he did arrive. he was leaving again and i wanted to spend as much time as i could with him. at some point in the party someone asked if we were dating and for some reason i answered, without pause, “No!”. J looked a bit surprised and just joked that i was out of his league. when get caught offguard, i panic. haha!

when it was time to leave, J and i went ahead of his friend who was supposed to be following behind. when we saw that he was gone, we waited a bit then this is where things get hazy. i ended up telling him about what happened earlier this year and how sorry i was and how scared i was about it. i told him about how confused i felt when he left last year and how i didn’t know whether to wait or to move on because i had no idea if he felt the same way. i had no idea about what i was starting to feel as well, for that matter. i told him that i still liked him, after all the time and distance and that i felt so stupid for fucking things up while he was gone but that waiting indefinitely for him, not knowing how he felt about me, was sort of pointless on my part. and i told him how scared i was that my mistake would cost me everything i’ve ever dreamed about (not necessarily relating to him).

after my incoherent and tearful confession which i spent most of the time looking at the floor since i couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes, this is what he said, i forgive you. we’ve all made mistakes and it’s in the past. this doesn’t change the way i feel about you. in fact, i think i like you even more now. then he brushed my hair off my face, lifted my face to his and kissed me. yes, he kissed me! my unreal life did not disappoint again this time. that scene was just written for a movie, donchathink? sad that i couldn’t really dwell on the kissing part though because i was too preoccupied with the enormity of what i had just confessed.

he’s gone again now with the promise that we’ll keep in touch yet again. at least he’s in the same country, right? there are still so many questions left unanswered and i think there are still things that need to be said. i’ve always said that it’s felt different with him even when i first met him but we are nowhere near the end of our chapter yet and fate still has some plans, and possibly obstacles, planted in our way. but for one night, i could say that my reality far exceeded my expectations which was totally unexpected but wholly welcomed nevertheless. it’s about time, i must say. i’m still uncertain if this guy’s “the one” or if what i’m feeling in the first place is love but it’s nice to have the universe cooperate with me even for just one night. and for a girl who’s prided herself with being strong and independent, it was nice to let go and breakdown and be held and to have felt safe and wanted.