losing my religion

i went to church again today and it’s been about 8 months since the last time i went to church. but before i continue this entry, i should give you a brief history on religious background. you see, my dad is a pastor. i spent most of my younger years memorizing verses from the bible, practising hymns on the piano and reading religious tracts. my family used to pass time in the car by playing memory verse contests. during a blackout, we would congregate around the piano and sing hymns till the lights went back on. one of my favorite board games back then is actually Bible Trivia. suprising right? especially if you know the me i am today, you’d be shocked to learn that this is how i grew up.

you’re probably wondering now on what happened to precipitate the change from the old me to the new me. i’m not really sure actually. i guess things started changing when i entered high school. i saw a different aspect of life from what i was already experiencing. i was introduced to MTV, pop music, blockbuster movies, fashion, etc. in other words, i was introduced to the “material world.” and weak as i was, i gave in to the fun and pleasure it promised. oh, it started out with minor stuff like preferring to be with my friends rather than going to church on sundays or enjoying pop music or than religious hymns. my parents tried so hard to keep me and my sister in the straight path like banning us from watching MTV or setting the rule that we weren’t allowed to watch tv or listen to pop music from 6pm saturday to 6pm sunday. we never complained or disobeyed because we always respected their right as our parents.

things became different when i got into college though. despite our sheltered childhood, my parents have always planned for me and my sister to go to college in UP Diliman. so off i went, on my own, to college where i discovered partying and alcohol. plus my body went through drastic changes and from the super slim girl i was in high school, i suddenly became curvy. in other words, my boobs got bigger. hahaha! during my first two years in college, i still attended church. i even went to church camp during one holy week. but as i started to enjoy the hanging out, malling and partying with my friends more and more, the less i was inclined to reading the bible, praying and going to church.

which i guess, leads me to where i am now… a semi-alcoholic, sometimes foul-mouthed, tattoo-loving, cleavage-baring, shopaholic, party girl. oh, i don’t think i’m so bad. i actually think i’m a nice girl. i don’t purposefully hurt anyone or make enemies and i still live by a virtue that my dad has taught me long ago, yield, which is to give way to the other person. i think if my parents were different i’d be considered a very good daughter, it’s just that i’m so far away from the ideal daughter of a pastor. despite all my accomplishments, i think my dad and mom are a bit disappointed with how i’ve been straying from the path they’ve raised me to take.

it’s not that i don’t feel the urge to be a practising Christian again. it enters my mind quite a lot actually. but you see, i already know the sacrifice it would take for me to go on the right path again and honestly, i’m not ready to give up all the things i’m enjoying right now. it’s sad but it’s true. i’m having too much fun, with the partying, the drinking, the swearing, the wearing cute clothes and all. i’m not saying someday i may be ready to give it all up because i may never be ready and it scares me because i do believe in God and in Jesus and in eternal life. but the way i’ve been living my life recently is pointing to the direction where i wouldn’t want to be spending my eternal life.

it’s during days like this, when i go to church, that i feel the pull strongly. everytime my dad or mom sermons us, i also feel the pull. i know a part of me still wants to be that person i was raised to be… a regular church-goer, a practising Christian, perhaps even a member of the Church choir or a missionary. truth is, sometimes i envy other pastor’s kids who’ve never been introduced to the pleasures the world has. for them, the choice is easy, it’s simple. they don’t feel the seduction of the world anymore because they’re happy with the only world they’ve known. i, on the other hand, have to choose between two very different worlds and i know there can be no compromise. it’s one or the other. why can’t there be a compromise, you ask? well, i don’t want to be a hypocrite. i don’t want to say that i’m a Christian yet do all the things a Christian isn’t supposed to do.

can you feel my confusion? i hope it doesn’t take a hard chastisement from God to bring me back to my knees. perhaps someday, i will become a good Christian again. i really pray that i do.