i just turned 27

… and i can’t stop this overwhelming feeling of alone-ness. even after coming from a fun night of catching up with 8 of my high school classmates could not shake this awful feeling off. perhaps that half-shot of bacardi 151 did not help like it was supposed to. i think the saddest feeling in the world is being surrounded by friends and yet feeling completely alone. i am sincerely wishing that this is just the alLcohol speaking.

hmmm….

so what do you do when a friend pulls you aside and asks you what if the thing you’ve been fearing the most has possibly transpired? well, for one thing, you won’t be able to concentrate on anything else which for me at the moment is packing for my US trip. i know it’s been over a year since what happened happened but sometimes i still feel like i’m stuck in this sort of weird time warp where i just can’t seem to move on. believe me, even i can’t understand what’s wrong with me. i hate feeling this way or thinking what i’m thinking right now especially about … it’s just that my intuition has been sounding off recently and i just keep on trying to drown it out with rationalization. i seldom voice out my feelings about this topic with my friends because i hate the way it makes me feel. apparently they don’t like talking to me about it either because they know how i feel.

i’ve been experiencing a different sort of lifestyle for the past couple of weeks, hobnobbing with some of the elite people of the fashion industry. it’s been kind of a surreal experience for me so far. i’ve been out in fashion events meeting new people every time and i’ve go to say i’ve really been enjoying it. last friday night i even was able to meet them without my constant companion and key to the fashion world, nina. it’s a different community and a different world than what i’ve been used to so far but i’m surprised at how easily i’m fitting in and having fun with them. i’m glad that i’ve finally taken steps to finally walk away and stop dwelling in whatever it was that was making me feel down. there is so much life to live and i’m finally opening myself to new experiences. it truly is scary but exciting at the same time!

now i’ll be off for almost a month-long vacation in the US with my mom and sister which i’ve been looking forward to because as i’ve been joking with my friends, i know na dyosa ako dun. hehehe. i’m truly looking forward to the major ego boost that i’m going to experience when i get there. we all know that my exotic beauty is what makes heads turn when i’m in a foreign land. hopefully it’ll make me forget about certain things that i truly don’t want to be dwelling on right now. *sigh* too much thinking for one night especially when i’m supposed to be packing already. hahaha! ;P

‘coz it’s better that i’m writing how i feel here rather than drunk dialing you…

i can’t believe i’m still not over you after all this time. this keeps happening… i think i’m fine and then i see you and suddenly it’s as if a part of me is still hoping for that fairytale ending… that you’ll look at me and finally realize that you’re in-love with me too. but you’re not in-love with me and you’ll probably never be and i’m stupid to even imagine a different ending for this. ugh. i hate this. i hate feeling so helpless in controlling the way i feel about you. i wish there was a switch where i could just turn off my feelings for you and leave it off instead of it popping up at the most inopportune times. it’s been more than a year since we’ve called things off and it’s still hard being around you because we hang out in the same circle of friends. dammit, i want to get over you so badly. i know… i know… nothing could come out of the way i feel about you. you don’t have the capacity to feel the same way about it. but here i am… still hoping and waiting that you’ll look at me and finally, FINALLY, see me. this really hurts. i miss you and the friendship we once had. i’m so scared that we’ll never be the way we once were and that i’ve lost you as a friend (and lover) forever. i have to move on. i really have to.

okay, so i’m drunk and i’m sleepy and i miss you and i hate this feeling so i’ll just put it to rest for tonight. hopefully in the harsh light of day i’ll realize that this is useless and go back to existing without even thinking about this pain. damn. this is hard.

playlist: getting over a failed romance

i forgot to include this in my previous post. when trying to get over a failed romance, i think it is important that you have a good playlist to help you get through. so here’s step #8 in my list of how to get over a failed romance.

8. compile a bitter or maybe not-so-bitter playlist which you will listen to again and again with the occasional tear

here are a few songs i’ve been listening to, some during and some after, my latest lapse in judgment (once again, this is in no particular order):

Damien Rice – Volcano

what i am to you is not real
what i am to you, you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
so give me miles and miles of mountains and i’ll ask for the sea

Maria Mena – Sorry

i just poured my heart out. there’s bits of it on the floor
and i take what’s left of it and rinse it under cold water
and call him up for more

and i say ‘baby, yes i feel stupid to call you, but i’m lonely
and i don’t think you meant it when you said you couldn’t love me
and i thought maybe if i kissed the way you do you’d feel it too’

and he said ‘i’m sorry. so sorry
i’m sorry. so sorry.’

Up Dharma Down – Oo

malas mo
ikaw ang natipuhan ko
di mo lang alam
ako’y iyong nasaktan

Damien Rice – Rootless Tree

f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you and all we’ve been through
i said, leave it, leave it, leave it, it’s nothing to you
and if you hate me, hate me, hate me,
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out, let me out of this hell when you’re around

Adele – Chasing Pavements

should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if they lead nowhere?

Sara Bareilles – Gravity

you loved me ‘coz i’m fragile
when i thought i was strong
you touched me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone

how to get over a really bad relationship failed romance

1. drink… a lot! 

getting plastered has always been a good idea. you get to let loose and do crazy stuff you wouldn’t normally do when sober. it’s all fun until you get to the point where your real emotions surface, as they tend to do when you drink alcohol, and you start crying and sharing intimate details of your life to any random ear that would listen to you.

so, if ever you plan a drinking session because of a heartbreak be sure to invite only close friends who are already used to tears and your drunken incoherent babbling. or else, you’ll end up with a very amused and interested stranger giving you advise. :))

2. get a haircut

it’s weird how women relate moving on with getting a haircut but we do. i think it’s part of the ritual, a symbolism that we have cut that someone out of our lives.

this was actually a pic i took after getting my hair cut.

3. clean your room

this is normally done to remove any traces or mementos of the guy from your room. i have friends who have done this. they return pretty much everything that the guy gave them. i even had a friend who went as far as changing the way she dressed because she gave away or sold most of the clothes she wore when she was still with the guy.

i did this just because my room was extremely dirty. hahaha! thing is, i wasn’t special enough to the guy for him to shower me with presents so i didn’t have to get rid of anything from him. i don’t think i’m the type of girl who will give back anything given to her either. perhaps, i’ll just hide those stuff away so that i wouldn’t be reminded of him that much but i would still keep them.

4. develop crushes on almost any guy you meet

convincing yourself that there is someone better for you in this cruel world (exagge naman!) is a big part of moving on. i’m sure rejection is a part of life and all that but let’s face it, rejection sucks! and it hurts! and there is a kind of perverse happiness you get when you find someone else who is better than him. when this happens, you can call him up and sing beyonce’s irreplaceable. hehehe.

You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
I could have another you in a minute,
Matter fact, he’ll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know ’bout me
You must not know ’bout me
I could have another you by tomorrow
So don’t you ever for a second get to thinkin’
You’re irreplaceable

 and because i’m talking about crushes…

james mcavoy, if you’re ever in town, please give me a call! hehehe.

5. lose weight

i always thought i would be the girl who would end up eating a lot when brokenhearted. turns out, i’m the complete opposite. i’m currently under what i call the “gb diet.” i have a friend, gb, who lost a lot of weight after breaking up with her first boyfriend. she said she just lost appetite. one of her nicknames is boner, just for a visual on how thin she is now.

losing the weight is also important because then you can rub it in his face that you are HOT!!! and that he was stupid to have let you go. not that you want him to beg you to come back, of course you wouldn’t want that anymore right?

6. shop

well, any excuse to shop, right? hehehe.

7. start dating

nothing says i’ve moved on more than dating other guys. forget the fact that it sometimes is a really awkward experience that you’d rather not go through. luckily, i’ve only been on one date since he-who-shall-not-be-named. one of my friends actually took my subtle hints and found me a date. hehehe. did i mention i’m not much of a dater? anyway, the date went fine for a blind date. good conversation but no sparks. no biggie though.

i read in a book that after a “breakup”, you will have to go through 17 bad dates before you have a good one. hmm, one down, 16 more to go… tulong naman dyan friends!!! :)) ika nga ni jong, pimp me! pimp me! :))

post script:

this post is just for fun! i mean it’s me who’s giving out this advice, the girl who was in love with the same guy all throughout high school and college. maybe it’s true, the only way to get over someone is to find another one. problem is, when thing screw up with the new guy, you’re back to where you started again, trying to mend a broken heart.

truth is, my feelings haven’t lessened that much. don’t ask, i really can’t understand it either. i still look for him when he isn’t around and i steal glances at him when he is. i honestly don’t know which is better: me ignoring him or him ignoring me.

oh well, it seems i’m still a bit off from getting over what happened. one day at a time, just one day at a time. 😀