i’m right in the middle

baka naiinis kayo at puro protected posts na yung nilalagay ko paminsan. well, mag-isip lang kayo ng konti maggets niyo rin ang password. believe me, hindi siya mahirap hulaan. medyo pinagsisisihan ko nga eh. pero parang prize nalang yan kung mag-iisip kayo ng konti.

but here’s the un-password protected story…

as some of you might already know, i’m hurting right now. and yes, it’s because of a guy. i wasn’t expecting this to happen. not at all. i was blindsighted. but isn’t this the way it’s supposed to happen? when you least expect it? well, it did. and now, i’m hurting. i just don’t understand how i’m feeling anymore. i’m confused, exhausted, resigned, and most of all sad. i find this intense need to cry at the weirdest times, like while in a friend’s car, in a friend’s barbeque party, in a cab, in a bar and now, in the office. i cried so much last week that i feel as though i don’t have the energy to cry anymore. but i still feel like crying.

i also don’t know what i want to happen. do i want him to return my feelings for him? i don’t know. maybe. yes. do i believe that he could return my feelings for him? i honestly think not.

but right now, i’m trying so desperately to make him see me in a different light. not just the hookup i’ve been to him for a while now. pero asa pa!

o ngayon, gets niyo na ba saan nanggagaling lahat ng drama ko? i’m being extremely foolish right now. it’s like my head and heart are in this constant tug-of-war that so far my heart is winning.

pity me that the heart is slow to learn
what the swift mind beholds at every turn
– edna st. vincent millay

i hate love!

to be despised
to be loved
to be dreamt of
to be sought
on the inside
i don’t care
right in the middle
i’m right in the middle
One and Only – Timbaland feat. Fall Out Boy

jen, thanks so much for listening to me last night. i needed that. :*

Protected: in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see… this is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees…

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Protected: i don’t know. this could break my heart or save me.

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he could be that boy but i’m not that girl

jencarps sent me this song this morning and from the first time i heard it, i loved it. you all know i love my painfully beautiful songs about unrequited love right? what is it about unrequited love that’s so attractive to me? you might ask. well, i always seem to end up in this predicament… where i’m falling for a guy who doesn’t feel the same way about me.

what makes this song so different from the anthem for unrequited love, On My Own? well, in On My Own, eponine sings about her love for marius. she sings that even though she knows he doesn’t return her feelings for him (without me, his world will go on turning, a world that’s full of happiness that i have never known)  that she still imagines his arms around her (without him, i feel his arms around me).

This song is from the musical Wicked. I haven’t watched this musical yet but I’ve listened to some of the music and I’m reading the book right now. In this song, elphaba is giving herself a reality check. it still is a song about unrequited love. she acknowledges that she has feelings for this boy but that he has feelings for someone else. and so she tells herself to stay grounded, to be realistic…

Don’t dream too far
Don’t lose sight of who you are
Don’t remember that rush of joy

Ev’ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn’t soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Don’t wish, don’t start
Wishing only wounds the heart

i guess what hurts most in situations like these is when the guy you “love”, “loves” someone else. and you end up asking yourself, what does she have that i don’t? but that’s pointless.

She who’s winsome, she wins him.

There’s a girl I know
He loves her so
I’m not that girl

now all I have to do is follow elphaba’s advice. goodluck sa akin! hehehe.

jen, thanks so much for this song! :*

o, gusto mo na ba i-download?! hehehe… I’m Not That Girl