picking up the pieces.

after crying my eyes out saturday night and sunday morning, i think i’m all dried up. i don’t want to cry anymore and definitely not over him. i have to focus on healing my soul. i feel so broken right now. so hurt. so shattered.

weird thing is i was already expecting this kind of pain. i knew it was inevitable. but God, it hurts. and i didn’t think it’ll hurt this hard again.

once again i’m turning to poetry and music to make me feel better.

Comes the Dawn
by Virginia Shopstall

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession
and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn and you learn…with every goodbye you learn.

those last four lines are a comfort to me right now. i know i will be able to get through the pain, but somehow hearing affirmations such as these really helps.

singing this song aloud helps… hehehe. buti walang tao dito sa office and pwede ako kumanta out loud! 😀

i was the last to know
you knew exactly what you would do
don’t say you simply lost your way
they may believe you but i never will
never again.
~ never again by kelly clarkson

weekend update, 2007.10.29

• seems like i won’t be able to show my face at work after the boracay teambuilding this november. kamusta naman sa over-exposure noh?! i will be the little mermaid for the team presentation (bawal lip synch). then for the new hire presentation, my group has to imitate the pussycat dolls (pwede lip synch). then i’m part of the SAS (shared applications services) idol finalists. waaah!!!
• my “pussycat dolls” team met last saturday and we decided on giving this thing our all since we’d be making fools of ourselves any way. this is the performance we plan to imitate. believe it or not we’ve almost perfected the ending part. hehehe.
• i went all the way to sucat to get my new lomo camera… meet the diana… isn’t she cute? i still plan to buy the holga again since it really is nice. i also want the fisheye, LC-A and colorsplash. i want to buy holga filters and a ringflash and a colorsplash flash too! gosh, expensive hobby….. tsk tsk tsk… 😀

• my aunt just arrived from the states with my student prince dvd! yey! unfortunately, red hot didn’t reach her in time so i’ll probably get that on december. oh well….. 
• i learned (the hard way) that even the nicest guy can turn out to be the biggest ASSHOLE

i’m not OKAY.

so this is how disillusionment feels
my a heart breaking
little by little

what of princes and princesses?
and happily-ever-afters?
what of love?

reality bites.

just call me TESSA

apparently yun yung name ko according to our office caller id.

TESSA MAY DE MAYA

to be exact. walang tama, ni isang word!!! they butchered my name!!! waaah!!!

ayan, may picture na ako…

playlist: 2007.10.25

1. volcano – damien rice
my sister has been playing this song for quite a while now. although i liked the melody, i never really listened to the lyrics until she posted it as one of her favorite songs in her blog. so now, i’m addicted to the song. maybe because it’s perfect for my situation right now. 🙂

Don’t hold yourself like that. You’ll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back. That’s all I need
Don’t build your world around volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
So give me miles and miles of mountains and I’ll ask for the sea

Don’t throw yourself like that in front of me
I kissed your mouth your back. Is that all you need?
Don’t drag my love around. Volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
So give me miles and miles of mountains and I’ll ask…

What I give to you is just what I’m going through
This is nothing new, no, no, just another phase of finding
what I really need is what makes me bleed
Like a new disease but lord she’s still too young to treat

You do not need me

2. oo – up dharma down
this song has been in my playlist since the beginning of october when i first really listened to the lyrics. i’ve already posted some of the lyrics before here in my blog but i had to post the entire thing today. (jencarps, diba sabi ko sa iyo one day i will be posting the entire lyrics of that song? well, today is that day.) once again this song mirrors how i’ve been feeling recently.

Di mo lang alam
Naiiisip kita
Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
‘Di mo lang alam
Hanggang sa gabi inaasam makita kang muli

Nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang pahanon
At ngayon ako ay iyong iniwan
Luhaan, sugatan, ‘di mapakinabangan
Sana nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam
Sana’y nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam

Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Hindi mo lang alam
Kay tagal na panahon
Ako’y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sa’yo

Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
‘Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
Kung ako’y nagkasala patawad na sana
Ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

‘Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s’ya na lang
Sana’y ako naman
‘Di mo lang alam
Ika’y minamasdan
Sana’y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

‘Di mo lang alam
Kahit tayo’y magkaibigan lang
Bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako’y nandito lang
Hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman

Kung ikaw at ako
Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito
Ay dapat bang sumuko
Sana hindi ka na lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako’y masasaktan ng ganito
Sana’y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

‘Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s’ya na lang
Sana’y ako naman

‘Di mo lang alam
O, ika’y minamasdan
Sana iyo’y mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
Oooooooo

Malas mo
Ikaw ang natipuhan ko
Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan

3. delicate – damien rice
another song by damien rice. and it is beautiful, just beautiful.

So why’d you fill my sorrow
With the words you’ve borrowed
From the only place that you’ve known
And why’d you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why’d you sing with me at all?