independence

the feeling of independence comes in small ways. mine came during lunch today.

i’ve been feeling unwell lately but i haven’t told my mom yet. you see, i come from a family of doctors. all my doctors have either been relatives or friends of my relatives. but now that i’m in manila it’s getting harder when i get sick because i’ll call my mom and then she’ll panic and order me to book the first flight home so i could get treated. i remember when i got gastritis during february, she really wanted me to go home to davao over the weekend. good thing my uncle put some sense into her. i went to get some lab tests done then texted the results to my uncle, then i got diagnosed. weird noh?

anyway, back to my story… i’ve not been feeling well the past couple of days. and i have this theory why and believe me the reason is something my mom should not be knowing. so during lunchbreak today, i went to a hospital, chose a name from a list of doctors and had a consultation. i was a bit apprehensive because i’m used to relatives treating me. my mom doesn’t trust doctors she doesn’t know so she hates it when we get sick here in manila. but i sat down and described my symptoms to the doctor. she diagnosed me and prescribed some medicine for me.

it’s hard to explain how little things can affect how we feel. like the way my visit to the doctor today made me feel independent. it just goes to show that the little things do matter in life. 😉

for those falling in love…

yes, melissa, this is for you.

a few sonnets by Pablo Neruda from Cien Sonetos de Amor (100 Love Sonnets)

XVII
`
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
`
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
`
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
`
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
`
LXVI
`
I do not love you – except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
from waiting to not waiting for you
my heart moves from the cold into
`
the fire. I love you only because it’s you
I love; I hate you no end, and hating you
bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
is that I do not see you but love you
`
blindly. Maybe the January light will consume
my heart with its cruel
ray, stealing my key to true
`
calm. In this part of the story I am the one who
dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
because I love you, Love, in fire and in blood.

sometimes i wish i were falling in love with someone who was falling in love with me too. that feeling must be amazing. so for those who are in love or falling in love, be happy because you are lucky to be feeling the way you’re feeling right now. 🙂

because i had to post the entire thing…

i carry your heart with me
by ee cummings 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                                i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of the tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind,can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

how can you read that and not melt?! *sigh*

a few lines…

my sister has been counting down her favorite poems recently and i’d just like to share a few lines that really struck me.

Don’t listen to me; my heart’s been broken.
I don’t see anything objectively.

That’s why I’m not to be trusted.
Because a wound to the heart
Is also a wound to the mind.

~ from The Untrustworthy Speaker by Louise Gluck

i love this. i think it’s natural to ask advice from friends regarding your love life. but then we have to remember the fact that they may be biased too by whatever may have happened to them in the past. at least she is honest in saying that she may no longer see anything objectively because her heart has already been broken. read the rest of the poem, it’s really beautiful. she captures the feeling of numbness some of us get sometimes.

I really don’t know what I love you means  
I think it means don’t leave me here alone 

~ from Dark Sonnet by Neil Gaiman

shet! tagos ba?

yours is the light by which my spirit’s born:
yours is the darkness of my soul’s return
–you are my sun,my moon,and all my stars

~ from Silently If Out Of Not Knowable by ee cummings

it would be nice to have some guy tell me this someday. 😉

You were in love, you wanted out of a city that screamed abandonment.

~ from Disappear by Conchita Cruz

enough said.

why is he so much younger than me?!

last sunday, after the burn out competition in UP, i joined the nytp team for dinner and drinks. one of the huck you boys, marin, sat beside me during drinks. when gb mentioned that i was a broadway girl, he said that he had watched Phantom and Les Miserables in New York and Wicked in the West End. and i was instantly smitten. alam niyo naman ako, instant crush sa akin yan!!! hehehe. i made him listen to my collection of Wicked songs in my cellphone and he was actually able to recognize them and sing along! then later on we got to talking about poetry and he knew some of the poets i mentioned. when i mentioned ee cummings, he exclaimed… i love ee cummings! imagine my shock and well admiration at that point. unfortunately we were drinking so i don’t remember much of what happened or what we talked about anymore. jo said that we were exchanging Shakespearean lines with each other already. hahaha. talk about nerdy!

needless to say, i was inconsolable that night. because this guy was younger than me. 6 years younger to be exact. at this point, it would still be considered statutory rape. 😀

how utterly sad and disappointing it is to find qualities you’re looking for in a guy and find out that he’s wrong for you!!! i’m not saying we had a romantic spark kasi naman papaano yun mangyayari, 6 years younger nga siya diba?! but we did connect intellectually. i can count with my fingers the number of guys that i’ve talked to about broadway and poetry who actually knew what they were talking about.

oh well… at least may nahanap na ako to talk about this stuff with. 😉