i’ve been wanting to post about this for a while but i keep loosing the nerve to actually write about it. it still is, and i guess always will be, something that’s hard for me to talk about. at first i wanted to write a locked entry but then the words never came to me. i think now i’m ready to write about it.

despite my typically fun, friendly, bubbly persona, i’m actually depressive. there, i said it. a few of my friends know but i’ve opened to only a handful about how it really is with me. the handful i’ve opened up to aren’t even any of my closest friends but rather people who i thought would understand me.

it’s been quite a while since my first and only “lapse” into depression, 4 years to be exact. it’s hard to explain what triggered my lapse, even harder to explain how my mind was working while i was down. but i’ll try… i had gone home to davao after a very stressful engineering week. i didn’t notice that anything was wrong. i spent my vacation just like any other vacation… eating, sleeping, reading, sleeping, meeting friends, and sleeping. yes, i sleep a lot when i go home so i didn’t think anything was wrong while i was there. when i got back to manila, i didn’t want to go back to classes yet so i cut classes for the first few days which wasn’t that big of a deal. however, as each day went by i kept missing more and more classes. i didn’t want to leave my bed or the house. i didn’t want to go to class. i didn’t want to see or talk to my friends. so i stayed at home, slept and watched tv. right before my sister would come home i would shower so that when she’d ask if i’d gone to class, i’d say yes and that i just got home. i barely checked my cellphone, purposefully didn’t charge it. i didn’t check my email either. all i did was barely eat, sleep and watch tv. i occasionally went out to buy groceries for us but that was all. i did this from january to february without my sister noticing anything was wrong. finally, i became aware of the fact that the deadline for filing a leave of absence was drawing near and i had to come clean to my parents and my sister about what i was doing. so i called my mom and dad and told them that i think i was depressed. i described to them what i had been doing for the past couple of months and told them that i had searched the web for it and found out that it was possible that i was depressed. i’ll be forever thankful that i have very understanding parents. they were very concerned and probably wanted to fly me back home asap but it wasn’t possible because we didn’t have a helper then so if i left my sister would’ve been left alone in the house. i actually wanted to see a doctor but they told me it wasn’t necessary and that i probably just needed rest. i went back to school then but only to get file my official leave of absence. i still didn’t want to see or talk to any of my friends so i tried my best to avoid our normal hangouts. as soon as my LOA was filed, i went back into seclusion.

laughter truly is the best medicine. i still remember the first day of class after i had come back from my lapse. we were waiting outside the up theater waiting for the freshmen to finish their orientation when a friend said something really funny which made me laugh real hard. jencarps then looked at me and said, ayan… pa-depress depressed ka pa kasi. dapat sumasama ka nalang sa amin para lagi kang masaya. that was the year i started playing ultimate and started hanging out with the jogadores

it’s been years since that happened and i’ve only opened up about this to a very select number of people. i remember breaking down when i was meeting a few high school friends soon after the incident. i never opened up to any of my college friends and they never really asked me. they just seemed to accept the fact that i was back and that i was okay. i really didn’t like talking about it so that arrangement was perfect for me. the only other person who i told about this was the guy who ended up breaking my heart. i saw in him a kindred soul. someone who felt loneliness and probably understood it as much as i did. i’ve been feeling the urge to talk to him for quite a while now because i know he’d understand but i’ve been stopping myself because i might get my signals mixed and fall all over again. (and we all know how well i’ve been doing in the “getting over him” department, right?)

i’m writing this because i feel myself sinking into a dark abyss that i once found myself in a few years before. it’s been harder for me to get up in the morning and yet i find it hard to sleep sometimes. i know if work were as easy to cut as class, i’d definitely be cutting work right now. i haven’t been going to any of the typical toda gimiks anymore. i keep finding excuses to miss training or hengs. then just recently, a couple of friends decided that i wouldn’t probably want to go out with them and didn’t invite me. this normally wouldn’t be a big deal for me but my reaction was to cry then a thought entered my head, what if i just disappear? would they even notice? that’s when i knew that i was starting to tread into a familiar but unwanted territory. i’m trying my best to get myself out of the house and join friends but solitude is beckoning to me once again and i feel myself surrendering to it more and more.

i’m a bit uneasy about people reading about this because it’ll be all too possible that i’ll be getting text messages and emails of concern from my friends. i actually don’t want any of those i know how you feel’s. believe me, you don’t know what dark places i’ve gone through in my last lapse. it may be mind-boggling to most people on how a person can take their own life, but i do understand because i fought against it back then. i never actually picked up the knife or bought the rat poison but i did contemplate it more than once. i know i’m strong and that i’ll never be able to do it because of that time i went through before. it’s not the solution but i don’t know what is. perhaps i need to rest again. i’m glad that the holidays are just around the corner and i can start hibernating back home.

i’ll be fine friends, don’t worry. i needed to let this out to let you know why i’ve been missing in action the past few weeks. i need you to try to understand and leave me be if i seem aloof or unsociable. i really do hope this goes away. i just don’t how to make it go away. 😐