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as i watch Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan hold hands during the last scene in Sleepless in Seattle, i can’t help but sigh and wonder, when is it going to be my turn? (cue background music: oh tell me where? / where is that someone who will turn and look at me / and want to share my every sweet imagined possibility? [A Piece of Sky, Yentl]) i would be lying if i said that the thought of ending up alone doesn’t scare the crap out of me because it really does.
breaking up is hard to do
during the past couple of days, i’ve been consoling a friend who is coming to terms with the finality of her break-up. she and her ex-boyfriend called it quits more than a year ago but maintained a good friendship. we know how tricky that could be, right? to make a long story short, he has moved on while she has not. and of course, she’s devastated.
having had my heart broken before, i know how much it can hurt. as i listened to her tell her story while having cocktails in a crowded bar, memories of the pain i once felt came flooding back. it was a struggle to maintain my composure when she started crying. there is so much i wish i could do to help her forget the pain but i know there really is nothing i can do but be there for her. she kept on apologizing on being such a downer but i told her that my friends kept me sane during my dark hours and that meant everything to me.
it truly is hard to imagine how a person can move on after such a devastating loss but as i’ve learned, and i’m sure most of you have learned too, we all move on. it’s just the way it is. it truly is sad to think that a relationship ends and each person eventually finds someone else to be with but that’s the natural way of things. life goes on.
where are the boys at?
seriously, nasaan sila? hahahaha!
my mom has already told me that maybe i should try a different sport since it seems that i haven’t met anyone in ultimate during the 3-4 years i’ve been playing it. to this, i answered that i play ultimate because i enjoy the game and the company of all my friends and not to meet potential partners. i found it funny though that my mom had to tell me that. 
i once hoped i’d find love in the workplace but that didn’t work out so there goes another option.
i don’t think i’ll find a “good” guy in any of my gimiks either. let’s face it, guys in bars are mostly hoping to score and aren’t really looking for long term relationships. while this can be fun once in a while, it’s not really fulfilling at all. i go out to party more to enjoy the company of my friends rather than get picked up by guys.
so once again i have to ask, where are all the good guys at? can anyone out there help me out? hahahaha!
hope springs eternal
there is a book that has been catching my eye for a good number of years now, When God Writes Your Love Story. having read both I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl, i have a pretty good idea what that book may contain. whether or not you believe in a God is a personal preference. but i love the thought that i am a love story waiting to happen.
tv shows such as Sex and the City and Ally McBeal deal with the struggle modern women face with juggling a career and a lovelife. i love how both shows have dealt with the wacky situations single gals can get themselves into. but what i love most is the fact that no matter how many scrapes the characters in each of the shows get themselves into, they never stopped believing that true love was out there for them.
it’s important that we keep believing that love is out there for us, no matter how bad things may seem.
i’d like to leave you guys with one of my favorite quotes from Rilke. i have to confess that i was just reminded of it tonight while i was checking my blog for past entries.
“believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
~ an exerpt from Letter 4 of Letters to a Young Poet by Rainier Maria Rilke
a couple of nights ago, while doing my usual bedtime routine which consists of scanning channels before settling on one to fall asleep to then adjusting the sleep timer to 20mins, i was able to catch an old episode of sex & the city. in this episode, carrie was wondering: “In mathematics, we learned that “x” stands for the unknown. “a” plus “b” equals “x”. But what’s really unknown is: what plus what equals friendship with an ex? Is this an unsolvable equation? Or is it possible to transform a once-passionate love into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I couldn’t help but wonder… can you be friends with an ex?“ later on throughout the episode she comes to the conclusion that cosmopolitans + scotch = friendship with an ex.
i’ve never had an ex-boyfriend, having been a member of the Single Since Birth Club since, well, birth. however, i’ve had another type of ex: the guy-i-was-in-love-with-who-didn’t-quite-love-me-back type of ex. one of them is in Beijing now and the other one is someone i see at a regular basis. it sucks when an “ex” is part of the same group of people you hang out with. we’ve both become adept in the civil department, not really addressing each other unless completely necessary and if we find our eyes meeting we just quickly avert them as though nothing happened. once in a while, a smart-aleck-y friend would send a well-placed barb our way which we both would ignore. it’s become a comfortable situation, after a fashion.
recent events, namely the possibility of him liking a new teammate (yet again!), have got me thinking if it’s possible for us to be friends again. it shouldn’t be too hard to imagine being friends with him again considering we were pretty close once. even after the “breakup”, we still remained to be close, sometimes going out for coffee and discussing random stuff in our lives. but then something else happened which changed our dynamic and it hasn’t been the same since.
a close friend of mine congratulated me recently when i told her that i had chatted with the guy-who-liked-me-but-i-didn’t-like-back during the exciting and emotional (for me) match between Nadal and Soderling. she said that it was great that we can put the animosity aside and be friends again to which i replied that there was no animosity just a lot of awkwardness (and sometimes irritation) on my side. yes, it is a two-way street. sometimes you get hurt and sometimes you hurt someone else.
so what happens when a great love, or maybe just a passionate affair, ends? can two people transform from being intimate lovers to just good friends? i honestly don’t know the answer. i think it depends on the situation and the people involved. i believe that time can heal most, but not all, wounds and that eventually we all forget. As Joan Didion said: “We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget. We forget the loves and the betrayals alike, forget what we whispered and what we screamed, forgot who we were.” (and because i don’t know how to segue into this link, i’ll just post it as is and hope you’ll be intrigued enough to click it. 
)
perhaps someday i’ll be able to have coffee and laugh over fun memories with an ex. perhaps we’ll always be tiptoeing around each other. who really knows, right?
yes, i’ve definitely been here before. it’s feels like i’ve been traveling on this road for quite a while only to find myself back where i started. and i wonder, will i always feel this strange every time he shows interest in another girl? New Order said it best in their song, Bizarre Love Triangle: every time i see you falling, i get down on my knees and pray. to be completely honest, this time around i don’t feel all that bad anymore. maybe time has performed enough of it’s magic to mend my wounds. perhaps i’ve imagined this situation so many times in my mind that it’s easier to accept it now. or maybe, just maybe, i’ve finally moved on.
on top of that issue, i have to deal with another guy from my past who doesn’t seem to be sure what he wants of me yet. or maybe i’m the one with the problem reading his actions. i’ve never been good with the mixed signals and the half-assed attempts of asking me out. my close friends who know about this tell me that it’s not worth it and sometimes i don’t think it is too. but then, we never really know do we?
life can be completely random sometimes. and yet we find our lives so delicately intertwined with each other. it’s particularly funny to find out that one of your new friends is dating one of the guys you or your friend was dating. despite the billions of people here on this earth, we keep discovering that it’s a small world after all.
*lyrics from After All by Peter Cetera
“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real—but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”
~ Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live
akala niyo kung sino noh? hehehe. since i don’t have any love life to speak of right now, i’m channeling all my energy on the chuck bass – blair waldorf tandem on gossip girl. i love them so much. they really do belong together. i just wish he’ll finally get over all his issues and let blair into his life.
Blair: Whatever you’re going through, I wanna be there for you.
Chuck: We’ve talked about this. You are not my girlfriend.
Blair: But I am me. And you are you. We’re Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. The worst thing you’ve ever done, the darkest thought you’ve ever had, I will stand by you through anything.
Chuck: And why would you do that.
Blair: Because I love you.
Chuck: Well, that’s too bad.
yes… she finally said it! finally! finally! but she learns that sometimes you don’t get the reaction you think you’d get when you finally say those three very important words…
Blair: I told Chuck I love him. … It’s horrible. I thought that if I could finally say it then everything would change but he’s just as selfish and soul-less as ever. Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist.
i found myself nodding and agreeing with her as soon as she said that last line. that really hit home. actually the conversation above hit home too. but i’m tired of talking and thinking about my own failed relationship so i won’t talk about it anymore.
when chuck appeared towards the end of the episode, i wanted to start jumping up and down in my seat. but, gossip girl didn’t disappoint in being a tease. tsk. tsk. tsk. they dangled that happy ending right in front of us then took it away. 
haay… now, i and the rest of the gossip girl fan base have to wait till january 5, 2009 for the next episode.
*english translation: seriously, i really do love him!!!
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